shootin' star

i attended a friend's funeral on monday - the first funeral i'd ever attended in my entire life and nv did i expect it 2b a friend's and under such circumstances either. stunned and unbelievable to say the least.

i'm not even sure e reality has even sunk in. i was staring at her msn nick, waiting, perhaps, she wld just come online again. guilt at not hving spoken to her despite seeing tt she seemed sad from her nick? 2 late for regrets..but i'll try 2 speak to more ppl online from now onwards, esp when i think they need help..

though we've been classmates for 6 yrs, i nv did get to know her well enough i guess. i rem her laughter, her defiance, her passion, her wilful ways - she just din care what others said abt her, living, acting just the way she wanted.

in a bid to find of her to remember her by, i dug out my pri sch autograph book. she wrote that i was a "great counsellor"? ironic..

i was taken aback when i went to the wake - she was lying all alone in the cold "Chapel of Light" - what an irony, yet again. i wondered how she must hv hated being alone, in life and in death, how lonely and helpless she must hv felt. i cant begin to imagine the pain she must hv suffered to have taken that road of no return.

though i felt tt e service b4 e cremation was pretty frank but rather harsh, especially on her parents. my heart goes out to her parents and family, who tried so hard to be brave and strong. her brother's about my lil bro's age, i guess, and i wondered how did he feel, seeing his sister go, as the door of the furnace closed? 'defeated christian'?

everything was just 2 efficient 2b true..the time had been fixed, down to the minute, everything controlled and automated by computers. the whole procedure standardized and followed through each time.

saw almost my entire pri sch clique there..took us yrs and yrs to finally get together for a dinner last yr - does it take such tragedies to bring us together? how many times will this scenario be repeated through the years?

a funeral is as much for e dead as it is for e living - to seek a resolution.

i think i just want to remember her as a shootin' star - albeit short-lived but beautiful bursts of passion.

death makes life worth living
sadness gives meaning to happiness

i really really hope she's found peace and joy wherever she may be now.