i nv expected this, nv expected to ever see her again..especially not in such a circumstance and without any mental preparation..dun think she saw me though..for ref, pls read this 1st..yup so u must be wondering who in e world did i see? well i saw a lot of pl ppl 2day..some pri, some sec..and i saw her - e perpetuator of my days in "hell"..i dun like 2 hate ppl, it takes 2 much time and effort and just saps up all my energy..and to say tt i hate her wld b giving her 2 much credit..i dun hate her..i'm just surprised at the amount of emotions just seeing her cld stir up in me..memories i nv knew existed, pain and hurt i nv knew i felt, surfaced out of nowhere..

somehow, i figured, tt has somewhat shaped me into who i m 2day..i m thankful to her for showing me how cruel humans can b..mayb we were only kids then but then e fact tt it did traumatise me is smtg tt cannot be changed..probably tt has made me a much tougher person, knowing tt people r not always nice 2 me, not everyone is going to love me e way they shd or treat me with respect..to these ppl, e most i can do is ignore them..

i shall not divulge her identity although those who were having lunch with me wld know..i've got no idea how i wld face/treat her if i do meet her in sch one day..hmmm heard tt her major is e same as mine? at this point in time, i really dun think i can be friends with her, civil at most, but no more than that..i m not holding on to grudges, i nv did cos i nv thot abt it these 12 yrs, it's just e impact of e realisation at the extent tt it has affected my life and me as a person w/o me being consciously aware of it..it's a slow process of letting go..

ok realise i haven exactly said what she did..cos guess what? i dun really rem e details..i just know tt she bullied me, badly.. :( i used 2 like cry in class everyday..using up lotsa tissue..


Quoted (Wednesday, November 10, 2004)

People will forget the exact words you said.
People will forget what you exactly did...
but people will never forget how you made them feel.

anonymous


it just made me realise tt there r many things in my life tt i've not come 2 terms with..many, many things..to me, as long as something can be avoided, it's not a problem..it does not exist..i'm a coward, an escapist, but now, everything's coming back..mayb i'd nv been aware of the problems in e 1st place, mayb ignoring it was my way of dealing with traumatising things..looks like i will hv 2 look think through each problem and reach some kind of closure...i know these issues have to be resolved..

actually, just, if u r reading this, i think i ought to thank u for tt..i'm amazed by how open u can b with all the com and tfs..for me, i wldnt tell a whole bunch of ppl abt my stories, esp stories tt hurt badly..i guess tt's what fosters friendships too, e sharing of lives..smtg i need 2 learn from u..guess i'm trying..writing such stuff on my blog..

someone said tt i seem 2b afraid of strangers..perhaps i m..perhaps i m scared of e hurt they might inflict on me...perhaps e incident was what made me like this even though i wasnt aware of it much..which got me wondering, why din my form teacher help me? perhaps she din think tt it was so serious, probably cos e bully told her tt she know why i was crying..i can only guess at the ans..i will nv know cos she has already passed away long ago..


wounds may heal, leaving behind scars
scars may fade with time
but some things you can never forget


i guess all these does translate to a bigger issue, tt of bullying in school..having been a victim(?) of it, i guess i ought 2 have been more sympathetic to kids who r not adjusted in class..but i was callous and got qt irritated with this girl in my class who kept crying and crying everyday when i was relief teaching.. :( yah, cant really think anymore..so be concerned abt e well-being of kids aroud them, u nv know what can hurt them..affect them badly..hamper their emotional development..